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<<script>>$("#passages").css('opacity','0');<</script>>
<<script>>$("#splashsub").css('display','block');<</script>>Content warning: Parts of this story involve attending mass at a Catholic church. Those who have strong negative associations with the church may find some aspects of this story difficult or unsettling.
<i>Fall On Your Knees</i> takes 20-30 minutes to play from start to finish. This narrative makes deliberate use of sound and music, so please play with headphones if you are able. Consider playing in the dark, if you'd like.
Go ahead:
<div style="text-align: center"><<linkreplace "(Begin.)">><<script>>$("#act-1").css("opacity","1");$("#act-1").css("pointer-events","auto");$("#splash-dark").fadeOut(0);$("#blacksplash").fadeOut(0);<</script>><<audio car volume 0 fadeto 1 loop>><<goto "It was beautiful once, wasn't it?">><</linkreplace>></div>\
<<script>>$("#passages").css('opacity','1');$("#splash").fadeOut(1000);<</script>>When Mom took you to church as a kid, she preferred to go in the morning. Most of the year, that meant that services would start just after sunrise. In the winter, though, when the days closed in, the light might still be hiding behind the trees when you walked through the door.
It was hard to pay attention. The mind is made to wander. As the choir started to sing and the pastor's voice began to rustle through the speakers in the walls, your eyes would drift and flit about.
Where else could they land but [[the pink in the sky?]]\
<<script>>$("#pinkflare").css("opacity","0.5");<</script>>\Maybe it's something about the time of day. The windows in the ceiling cross paths directly above the altar, and when the sun lifts itself up above the trees the light streams in <i>just so</i> to illuminate the dust in the air.
Tonight, though, the sun is long since gone. Midnight services on Christmas Eve. If you were outside, you imagine you might see stars.
But from the belly of this church, the sky is painted black. Ink spilled on a pane of glass. And the rafters spill up into the cavern of the ceiling, [[waiting for the voice of God.]]Mom wanted to get here early. Christmas Mass is always crowded, and Jo isn't old enough to stand. Around this time of year, the church fills up with lapsed Catholics who aren't quite ready to stop believing in prayer.
[[At least you're not alone.]]There are sensations in this room that feel familiar. The gentle bounce of a plush red carpet against the soles of your shoes. Green felt lining on the kneelers that fold down from the pews. Mom's hand between your shoulderblades.
"I'm really glad you came, DF."
[['"Yeah."'|start-service]]
[['"Me too."'|start-service]]
[[(Say nothing.)|start-service]]The church is <i>packed</i>, and filling up further by the second. After a bit of searching, Mom waves you over to a few empty seats on either side of the aisle.
[[(Sit with Mom and Lisa.)]]
[[(Sit with Dad and Jo.)]]<<set $sibling to "Lisa">>\
<<set $parent to "Mom">>\
Lisa slides in behind you, leaving Mom at the end of the row to keep an eye on Jo from across the aisle.
Next to you, a man in an untucked shirt sits with a baby strapped to his chest. He looks young by church standards. Thirty? Thirty-five?
[[He's alone.]]<<set $sibling to "Jo">>\
<<set $parent to "Dad">>\
You slide in first and Jo bounces in behind you, leaving Dad to stretch his legs into the aisle.
There's already a couple in this pew. Older than your parents, but about average for the churchgoing crowd. Sixty, maybe?
One of them smiles at you when you sit down. The other one seems content to [[keep to himself.]]He seems preoccupied by the baby. Every once in a while, he leans down to kiss it on the head, then cranes his neck to look toward the front door. One time, he catches your eye.
He squints. "Her name is Eleanor."
[["Oh."]]
[["Nice to meet you, Eleanor."]]
[[(Smile.)|"Nice to meet you, Eleanor."]]He turns back toward the altar. Lisa pokes her head under your arm to wave at the baby, but she doesn't respond.
The church is really filling up now. They'll start any minute.
[[It's been a long time since you were here.]]\
<<audio church-mumble fadeto 1>>\He smiles a bit, takes Eleanor's hand, and makes her wave at you. Behind you, Lisa gasps. She pokes her head under your arm to wave back at the baby.
The man kisses Eleanor on the head again and lowers himself into a kneel, cradling her head to keep it from bumping up against the pew.
"Merry Christmas."
[["You too."]]
[[(Say nothing.)|"You too."]]The church is really filling up now. They'll start any minute.
[[It's been a long time since you were here.]]\
<<audio church-mumble fadeto 1>>\At least the building is the same. At least there are a few familiar faces in the crowd, even if you don't know their names. Mom still folds her hands the same way when she prays—right over left, fingers interlocked, palms open wide enough for her thumbs to meet at the tip.
In her notebook, Lisa is drawing dragons. She puts it down and kneels next to Mom, working her own fingers into an imitation of the pattern.
[[At least you're together.]]"Amen."
The word is a rising tide from the crowd around you, murmured into the air by a hundred voices all at once. You are a part of the ocean now.
[[The mass begins.]]"Amen."
The word is a rising tide from the crowd around you, murmured into the air by a hundred voices all at once. Mom glances at you from the corner of her eye.
[[The mass begins.]]"Let us pray."
The priest lifts his hands into the air. Everyone around you is starting to kneel. [[This part, at least, feels familiar.]]\
<<audio bg fadeto 1>>\Your mouth is dry. You think you left a bottle of water in the car. [[The priest starts talking about sin.]]There's some sort of incantation, and everyone seems to know it but you. Even $sibling is doing her best to mumble along. The congregation is united in a single voice:
"I confess to almighty God—"
<span style="padding-left: 4em">"—I have greatly sinned—"</span>
<span style="padding-left: 9em">"—my thoughts and in my words—"</span>
<span style="padding-left: 13em">"—through my fault, through my fault—"</span>
[[The world starts to blur.]]\
<<audio church-hum-low fadeto 0.6>>\Every row comes equipped with a kneeler, fixed to a hinge that swings down from the pew ahead. Its felt cover gives way to hard wood beneath the pressure of your knees.
[[Close your eyes.]]
[[Keep them open.]]There's something about the darkness that draws you inside yourself. The sounds are the same as they ever were:
<span style="padding-left: 5em">The rustle of bodies.</span>
<span style="padding-left: 10em">The whistle of wind.</span>
<span style="padding-left: 15em">The settling of the walls.</span>
[[Pray.]]
[[Remember.]]\
<<audio act-2-wind fadeto 0.4>>\<<if $sibling eq "Lisa">>All around you, the congregation kneels in prayer. On your left, the man closes his eyes and presses his nose up against the baby's forehead. She stares at you with open eyes, and smiles when she catches your gaze.
On your right, Lisa has bowed her head into folded hands in perfect imitation of her mother. She cracks an eye to look around, sees you looking at her, and screws it shut again.
[[Just like you used to do.]]\
<<else>>All around you, the congregation kneels in prayer. On your right, Nora closes her eyes and takes Harry by the hand.
To the left, Jo is drawing penguins on a donation card. She giggles when she sees you with your eyes open, then clasps her hand to her mouth to stifle the sound. Dad cracks an eye and smiles.
[[What a bunch of little heretics.|Just like you used to do.]]\
\<</if>>When's the last time you prayed?
[[A few months.]]
[[About a year.|A few months.]]
[[Ten years.]]It's been a long time since you prayed. Maybe a decade, now. You might've tried once or twice after you stopped going to church, but it always felt like cheating. It didn't seem right to ask for help from someone you'd left behind.
But that's not even half of your life, is it? Every week from the moment you could talk, Mom brought you to the church at the edge of town and taught you how to kneel.
This doesn't seem like the time to pray. There was a chance, once, but [[it's long since passed.]]A telltale rustling marks the end of the prayer, and the speakers in the walls crackle once again with the sound of the pastor's voice. He pauses for a response.
[['"Amen."'|amen-2-lisa]]
[[(Say nothing.)|amen-2-lisa]]\
<<audio church-rustle volume 0.7 play>>\
<<audio act-2-wind fadeto 0.2>>\It's a funny thing. You stopped going to church nearly a decade ago, but the instinct doesn't disappear. Even once you stopped believing, there was still some comfort in the ritual. Kneel on the ground, clasp your hands, and ask for something impossible.
It must've been when Amira left town. Out west, back when the seasons changed. [[You wanted her to be safe.]]It must've been the last time you were here. Nine years ago? Ten? Whenever Mom stopped making you come. You walked out and never looked back.
Well, that's not exactly true, is it? There was that one time, a few months ago. Back when Amira left town. Out west, when the seasons changed. She left, and you went out wandering, and a little church on the corner of some half-empty street rang its bell when you passed. Gave you reason to pause.
[[Would things have been different if you'd gone inside?|You wanted her to be safe.]]Maybe a prayer for her, then. As long as you're praying.
[[I want her to be safe.|post-prayer-lisa]]
[[I want her to be happy.|post-prayer-lisa]]
[[I want her to come back.|post-prayer-lisa]]You must have heard this incantation a few hundred times. The priest is muttering into the microphone, the words are echoing off the walls, and all around you the crowd bows its head as one.
Do you miss being here, D? Do you miss feeling like you belong? It's been so long since—
"The Lord be with you."
[["And also with you."]]
[['"And with you too."'|"And also with you."]]Out west, a few months ago. Back when the seasons changed. Red leaves and cool winds. The curling of the grass.
God, what a horrible day that was. A few wrong words at the bus station. The weight of someone else's suitcase in your hand. You never figured out the right way to say goodbye.
Prayer wouldn't have helped much, though. It's hard to ask for favors when [[you don't know what you want.]]Oh, well. The seasons changed again, and autumn turned to winter, and the earth keeps turning toward spring. Even now, new things are bubbling in the soil. It won't be dark forever.
And even if it is, [[the stars are beautiful tonight.|post-prayer-lisa]]There was a church, a few months ago, that rang its bell when you passed. Out west, a few days after Amira skipped town. Back when the seasons changed.
Red leaves and cool winds. The curling of the grass. The comfort of a half-empty street, warm light laying itself low across the concrete, and a little church on the corner with a bell strung up to catch the wind.
You might have gone inside, but you didn't. You might have said goodbye, [[but you never had the chance.|you don't know what you want.]]There is a pause at the altar. The reader must have finished. He looks happy. Charcoal suit with a red tie. This means a lot to him.
A clearing of the throat. "The word of the Lord."
[["Thanks be to God."]]
[[(Say nothing.)|nothing-thanks]]\"Thanks be to God."
$sibling smiles at you. "You remembered this time!"
[['"Yeah."'|remembered]]
[[(Smile.)|remembered]]\
<<audio bg fadeto 1>>\
<<audio church-hum-low unloop fadeout>>\
<<audio act-2-wind fadeto 0.2>>\"Thanks be to God."
One united voice. <<if $parent eq "Mom">>Mom looks over at you from the end of the row.<<else>>Jo pats your leg to show you a pebble she found on the floor.<</if>>
[[(Smile.)|remembered]]
[[(Look away.)|remembered]]\
<<audio bg fadeto 1>>\
<<audio church-hum-low unloop fadeout>>\
<<audio act-2-wind fadeto 0.2>>\The church comes back into focus. [[The ringing fades from your ears.]]\
<<script>>switchChurch();<</script>>He's holding a hat that he must have taken off when he walked in. One of those flat newsboy caps that you only ever see on men over fifty. Every few seconds, he pats his head with his left hand to sweep his combover back into place.
While he struggles to find a comfortable place for his legs, his wife leans over to you. "I always love how they decorate the church for Christmas."
[['"Yeah."'|yeah-jo]]
[[(Smile.)|yeah-jo]]She smiles. It's warm. Comforting. A smell like peppermint candy.
"I'm Nora," she says. "This is my husband, Harry."
Harry flicks his eyes towards you and nods.
[['"Oh."'|nothing-nora]]
[["Nice to meet you, Harry."]]
[[(Say nothing.)|nothing-nora]]Harry looks over again and seems to register your presence for the first time. Green eyes. Red nose. A graying beard still flecked with ginger patches.
He chuckles a little, and the hat finds a home on the seat behind him.
"I'm reading tonight."
[["Are you excited?"]]
[["Are you nervous?"]]\
<<set $harry_reading to 1>>She laughs. Harry turns his eyes back to the altar. "My, my," says Nora. "You're just a deer in the headlights tonight."
To your left, Jo is humming like an engine while pushing a piece of paper along the side of the pew.
"Is that your sister?"
[['"Yeah."'|yeah-nora-2]]
[["Her name is Jo."]]Nora smiles again and turns back to her husband. Jo's puttering give way to a whistling noise as she lifts the paper into the air and dives it down into Dad's lap. He catches it and smiles.
The church is really filling up now. They'll start any minute.
[[It's been a long time since you were here.|here-2]]"Jo." She smiles again. "That's a pretty name."
Jo stops humming and offers you her paper. "I made a plane."
[[(Smile.)|(Start making engine noises.)]]
[[(Make engine noises.)|(Start making engine noises.)]]The church is really filling up now. They'll start any minute.
[[It's been a long time since you were here.|long-time-2]]
<<audio church-mumble fadeto 1>>\The parking lot stretches wide into the hills. Rows of cars extend into the sky until the asphalt meets the horizon. In the dark like this, it might go on forever.
Time to catch your breath.
[[Sit on the curb.]]
[[Get some water from the car.]]<<set $seat to "curb">>\
There's a little garden around the corner, at the edge of the parking lot, that makes a good spot for watching the stars. Some Sundays, Mom would be inclined to linger with the nuns after services, and on those days you would find a seat where the earth met the concrete and [[pull up the roots of the grass between your finger and your thumb.]]\
<<audio act-3-piano-1 volume 0.8 loop play>>\<<set $seat to "hood">>\
They never lock the cars out here. A "safe neighborhood." Three rows up, two rows down. A dark blue hatchback with room for five.
[[Mom's been parking in this spot since you were a kid.]]\
<<audio act-3-piano-1 volume 0.8 loop play>>\A ritual for every time you come home. A place to call your own. In the winter, when the edges of the earth fill up with ice, most people avoid the climb.
[[But you always go.]]\
<<audio act-1-wind volume 0 fadeto 0.6 loop>>\The path still feels familiar. Cool grass underfoot. Stalks so long they brush up against your pants and spread dew on your ankles. Half-melted snow to mark the changing of the season.
If it's as beautiful as you remember, then it'll be worth the climb.
Why didn't you come back sooner?
[[It didn't feel right to pass the church.]]
[[I forgot to make time.]]
[[It's dark up there.]]\
<<audio act-1-wind volume 0 fadeto 0.6 loop>>\Tradition is a powerful thing.
A weekly ritual, for the mornings after church. The pale yellow light of a newly-risen sun. Mom carrying you on her shoulders when you were still too young to walk.
[[Will it be how you remember?|worth the climb.]]\
<<audio act-3-piano-2 volume 0 fadeto 0.4 loop>>\Oh, come now, D.
[[It's dark everywhere.|worth the climb.]]\
<<audio act-3-piano-2 volume 0 fadeto 0.4 loop>>\It's good to be here. At least the smells make sense. At least the songs are familiar. At least no one is leaving tonight.
Do you miss her, D?
[[Of course.|I don't know.]]
[[I don't know.]]The wind picks up. In the distance, the last few leaves of autumn are shaken from their trees.
No star shines forever.
[[Bullshit.|I know.]]
[[I know.]]\
<<audio act-2-wind fadeto 0.4>>\The pastor raises his eyes.
"The Lord be with you."
[["And with your spirit."]]
[[(Say nothing.)|"And with your spirit."]]"And with your spirit."
<I>Peace be with you. And also with you.</i>
Funny how things change. Maybe the spirit needs more peace than the person it lives inside. Maybe they know something you don't. Maybe.
[[It can't hurt to try.]]\
<<audio act-2-wind fadeto 0.2>>\Do you remember when you used to like coming here? Strange faces, smiling, bowing in time to the words that help them carry on.
So what if you don't believe anymore? So what if you never did? The people in this room have something to pin their hopes on. Maybe just for tonight, you can hope with them. Maybe just for tonight, you can put aside the fear.
[[Maybe this time it'll all turn out alright.]]The priest is wrapping up his sermon. The congregation bristles. You know this part by heart.
There's something intoxicating about the prayer, etched as it is deep into your bones. The memory lifts itself out of your lungs and skates across your tongue.
"We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth,
[['"of all that is seen and unseen."'|seen-unseen]]
[['"of all that is unseen and seen."'|seen-unseen]]"of all things visible and invisible."<<timed 2s t8n>>
A single voice out of step with hundreds is a curious thing.
"We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ."
[["The only son of God, eternally begotten of the father."]]
[['"The only son of God, eternally descended from the father."'|"The only son of God, eternally begotten of the father."]]<</timed>>\
<<script>>$("#passages").addClass("shudder");var p = $("#passages"); var clo = p.clone(true); p.before(clo); p.remove();glassFlash2();switchRed1();<</script>>
<<audio buzz volume 0.2 play>>\
<<audio bg stop>>\
<<timed 0.5s>><<audio FALL volume 1 loop play>>\
<<audio FALL-eq volume 0 loop play>>\
<<audio FALL-synth volume 0 loop play>><</timed>>\"The only begotten son of God, born of the father before all ages."
No matter how loud the crowd, a shattering sound will always stand out against a harmony.
"Light from light, true God from true God."
[["Begotten, not made, one in being with the father."]]\
<<audio pass-buzz volume 0.5 play>>\
<<audio FALL fadeto 0.5>>\
<<audio FALL-eq fadeto 0.5>>\
<<audio FALL-synth fadeto 0.3>>\
<<script>>$("#passages").addClass("shudder");var p = $("#passages"); var clo = p.clone(true); p.before(clo); p.remove();glassFlash3();switchRed2();<</script>>\"It is right and just."
[[That's enough.]]\
<<audio FALL-eq unloop fadeout>>\<<if $sibling eq "Lisa">>Eleanor's harness bumps up against your side as you press past her father and into the aisle beyond.
Another parting, and another missed goodbye.
Mom will understand. [[She had to know this would be hard for you.]]\
<<else>>Jo's knees bump up against your side as you press past her and into the aisle beyond.
Mom glances at you as you pass. Another parting, and another missed goodbye.
It's okay. She'll understand. [[She had to know this would be hard for you.]]\
<</if>>\
<<audio FALL-synth unloop fadeout>>\
<<audio FALL-outro play>>\He pauses.
"Yeah. It's been a while, you know. Been a long while. But Father Jacob said I should, and... I don't usually talk in front of so many people."
[['"I\'m sure it\'ll go great."'|"Me too."]]
[['"Good luck."'|"Me too."]]He pauses.
"Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am. Been a while."
[["Me too."]]
[['"Good luck."'|"Me too."]]When he smiles, his lips crinkle up into his cheekbones to gather the red from his nose. Wet eyes, like droplets on glass.
"Merry Christmas."
[['"You too."'|here-2]]
[[(Say nothing.)|here-2]]Nora smiles.
"Merry Christmas."
[['"You too."'|here-2]]
[[(Say nothing.)|here-2]]At least the building is the same. At least there are a few familiar faces in the crowd, even if you don't know their names. At least you're together.
The shelf on the back of the forward pew is filled with sheet music and prayer books; donation cards and little stubby pencils. Toys for an inventive child during the quieter parts of mass.
[[Maybe Jo will have a little fun with them tonight.]]It might feel good to pray, just once, even if you don't believe in it anymore. Who knows? Maybe it'll work this time.
And even if it doesn't, the music will be good. A few stray instruments, crammed into the space behind the altar, and a voice that fills the room. Carols and hymns, songs and prayers.
It's a funny thing about being raised in the church. Ten years later, [[you still know all the words.|words-2]]"Amen."
The word is a rising tide from the crowd around you, murmured into the air by a hundred voices all at once. Nora glances at you from the corner of her eye.
[[The mass begins.]]That's enough, D. People are filtering in by the dozen. [[You've got to find a seat.]]\
<<script>>$("#pinkflare").css("opacity","0");<</script>>\
<<audio church-mumble volume 0 fadeto 0.7 loop>>\
<<audio bg fadeto 0.5>>\It might feel good to pray, just once, even if you don't believe in it anymore. Who knows? Maybe it'll work this time.
And even if it doesn't, the music will be good. A few stray instruments, crammed into the space behind the altar, and a voice that fills the room. Carols and hymns, songs and prayers.
It's a funny thing about being raised in the church. Ten years later, [[you still know all the words.]]When the doors close, the band begins to play. An organ, then a violin, then a flute. And when the cantor raises her hands, the congregation begins to sing.
[[(Hum along.)]]
[[(Listen.)|(Hum along.)]]\
<<audio church-mumble unloop fadeout>>\
<<audio bg fadeto 0.8>>\It's dizzying, almost, to be swept up like this. The music in the air, the paneling on the walls, the smell of the pews. The kind of song that wraps itself around your fingers and settles in the spaces in your hands.
In a trance like this, you hardly notice the priest approaching the altar. And you hardly notice the music beginning to fade. And it takes you quite by surprise when the sound of a clearing throat bellows out from the speakers in the walls.
"In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit."
[["Amen."]]
[[(Say nothing.)|amen-1-nothing]]<<if $sibling eq "Lisa">>Lisa smirks. She elbows you and whispers something about forgetting.\
<<else>>Dad chuckles. He leans over and whispers something about forgetting.\
<</if>>
But you didn't forget. [[Did they change the words?]]"And with your spirit."
<<timed 2s t8n>>That
<<next 1.5s>><span style="padding-left: 6em">isn't what they used to say.</span><<next 4s>>
It's amazing how quickly you lose your grip on the earth. One stray breath and you'll float away. If you aim it right, you might hit the glass in the ceiling and [[make a quick escape.]]<</timed>>\
<<audio buzz volume 0.2 play>>\
<<audio bg volume 0>>\
<<audio church-hum-low volume 0 fadeto 0.5 loop>>\
<<script>>$("#passages").addClass("shudder");glassFlash1();switchRed1();<</script>>\
<<audio act-2-wind fadeto 0.5>>\<<if $harry_reading eq 1>>Harry shuffles past you and into the aisle to make the slow journey to the altar. When he arrives, the bible is already laid out on the pulpit. It's something from the old testament—a prayer, not a story. Blood, peace, and [[a kingdom of light.|kingdom-harry]]\
<<else>>A member of the congregation steps up to the altar and begins to read from the bible laid out on the pulpit. It's something from the old testament—a prayer, not a story. Blood, peace, and [[a kingdom of light.]]\
<</if>>\"Begotten, not made, consubstantial with the father."
Because no matter how close it gets, it can never match the chord.
And no matter your fear, you can't seem to [[stop yourself from speaking.]]\
<<audio pass-buzz volume 0.5 play>>\
<<audio FALL unloop fadeout>>\
<<audio FALL-eq fadeto 1>>\
<<script>>$("#passages").addClass("shudder");var p = $("#passages"); var clo = p.clone(true); p.before(clo); p.remove();glassFlash4();switchRed3();<</script>>\<<timed 0s t8n>><<script>>$("#special-glass").css("opacity","0.1");<</script>>\
"We believe in one holy, Catholic, and apostolic church."<<next 2.5s>><<script>>$("#special-glass").css("opacity","0.2");$("#special-redflare").css("opacity","0.1");<</script>>\
<<audio FALL-synth fadeto 0.4>>
<div style="text-align: center">You didn't expect to feel like this.</div><<next 2.5s>><<script>>$("#special-glass").css("opacity","0.3");<</script>>\
<span style="padding-left: 10%">—"the resurrection of the dead"—</span><<next 2.5s>><<script>>$("#special-glass").css("opacity","0.4");<</script>>\
<<audio FALL-eq fadeto 0.8>>\
<<audio FALL-synth fadeto 0.6>>
<div style="text-align: center">A mouth full of sand and a tongue like a lead pipe.</div><<next 2.5s>>
<<script>>$("#special-redflare").css("opacity","0.15");<</script>>\
<<audio FALL-eq fadeto 0.4>>\
<<audio FALL-synth fadeto 0.7>>\
<span style="padding-left: 20%">—"for the praise and glory of his name"—</span><<next 2.5s>>
<<script>>$("#special-glass").css("opacity","0.5");<</script>>\
<<audio FALL-eq fadeto 0.3>>\
<<audio FALL-synth fadeto 0.8>>\
<div style="text-align:center">$sibling leans her head forward to catch a glimpse of your face.</div><<next 3s>><<script>>$("#special-glass").css("opacity","0.6");$("#special-redflare").css("opacity","0.2");<</script>>\
<<audio FALL-eq fadeto 0.2>>\
<<audio FALL-synth fadeto 0.9>>\
<span style="padding-left: 30%">—"the Lord be with you"—</span><<next 2s>><<script>>$("#special-glass").css("opacity","0.7");<</script>>
<div style="text-align: center">Don't speak.</div><<next 2s>><<script>>$("#special-redflare").css("opacity","0.3");<</script>>\
<<audio FALL-synth fadeto 1>>
<span style="padding-left: 40%">—"lift up your hearts"—</span><<next 2s>>
<div style="text-align: center">Don't—</div><<next 2s>>
<span style="padding-left: 50%">—"Let us give thanks to the Lord our God."</span><<next 2s>>
<div id="thanks-and-praise">[["It is right to give him thanks and praise."]]</div><</timed>>Through the standing crowd and into the night outside. A difference in texture, from carpet to stone.
It's not your fault, D.
<i><<linkreplace "Yes, it is.">><<script>>$("#act-3").css("opacity","1");$("#act-3").css("pointer-events","auto");<</script>><<goto "Bullshit.">><</linkreplace>></i>
<i><<linkreplace "I know.">><<script>>$("#act-3").css("opacity","1");$("#act-3").css("pointer-events","auto");<</script>><<goto "Bullshit.">><</linkreplace>></i>
<<script>>$("#special-glass").css("opacity","0");$("#special-redflare").css("opacity","0.25");<</script>>It's cold. Early enough in winter that a few stray leaves still litter the ground, but late enough in fall for the kind of wind that rips the warmth from your skin. Your toes curl instinctively against the frost.
It's dark. They never built any streetlights out here on the edge of town. [[At least you can always see the stars.]]\
<div class="title_card" id="act-3"><div class="act_title" id="act-3-title">ACT III - SKY</div></div>\
<<timed 0s>><<script>>
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<<audio act-2-wind fadeto 0.9 loop>>\When the doors close, the band begins to play. An organ, then a violin, then a flute. And when the cantor raises her hands, the congregation begins to sing.
[[(Hum along.)|hum-2]]
[[(Listen.)|hum-2]]\
<<audio church-mumble unloop fadeout>>\
<<audio bg fadeto 0.8>>\It's dizzying, almost, to be swept up like this. The music in the air, the paneling on the walls, the smell of the pews. The kind of song that wraps itself around your fingers and settles in the spaces in your hands.
In a trance like this, you hardly notice the priest approaching the altar. And you hardly notice the music beginning to fade. And it takes you quite by surprise when the sound of a clearing throat bellows out from the speakers in the walls.
"In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit."
[['"Amen."'|amen-1-2]]
[[(Say nothing.)|amen-1-nothing-2]]\"Amen."
The word is a rising tide from the crowd around you, murmured into the air by a hundred voices all at once. You are a part of this ocean now.
[[The mass begins.]]There is a pause at the altar. The reading must have finished. Harry is beaming out into the audience, and for a moment he catches your eye.
A clearing of the throat. "The word of the Lord."
[["Thanks be to God."]]
[[(Say nothing.)|nothing-thanks]]\Your water is still lying on the floor in the backseat. [[It doesn't do much to drain the sand from your throat.]]Still, it's better than nothing. And the hood of the car makes a good place to sit and watch the stars.
[[It doesn't feel like home anymore.]]Oh, well. That's no surprise. It stopped feeling like home even before you left.
[[But it wasn't like this.]]\
<<audio act-3-piano-1 fadeto 0.9>>\It's nice, still, to sit alone in the dark. The trees on the hill still cast the same shadows in the moonlight, and the cracks in the asphalt run the same lines they always have.
[[But it doesn't feel like home anymore.|It doesn't feel like home anymore.]]The wrong thing. Think it, speak it, feel it. Always the wrong thing.
There was a place out west, for a while, that felt like home. Coffee machines and idle hands. The smell of fresh baked bread and baskets full of yarn.
But the wrong thing came and went, and the wrong thing worked its way into your minds and under your tongues, and the wrong thing [[urged itself to be spoken.]]She heard about a problem she thought she could fix, out west. "Out west" from out west. Further still into the unknown.
So she packed her bags, and found a bus that went where she needed to go, and the wrong thing found <<linkreplace "a way to be said.">><<timed 0s t8n>>a way to be said.<<next 1s>>
Why did you ask her to stay?
[[I wanted to keep what we had.|I thought she'd get hurt.]]
[[I thought she'd get hurt.|I thought she'd get hurt.]]
[[I wanted her to choose me.|I thought she'd get hurt.]]<</timed>><</linkreplace>>Funny. The wrong thing always comes from a want, and [[the want is always beautiful.]]A crunch of gravel breaks your reverie. A long, low shadow that cascades along the cars.
"Holy shit, D, is that you?"
[[(Turn around.)]]\
<<audio gravel play>>\The figure is too dark to discern, framed as it is by the lights of the church, but the voice is unmistakeable.
[["Camila?"]]"Camila?"
They laugh. "Some fucking friend you are, huh? I've been Cam for years."
[['"Oh."'|"Shit, sorry."]]
[["Shit, sorry."]]Another laugh.
"No, man, forget about it. It's been a minute, huh?"
They step forward, and a familiar face jumps out of the dark. Gray eyes, green hair, and a septum piercing. The same army surplus jacket they've been wearing since you were fifteen.
"It's good to see you, D."
[['"You too, Cam."'|"You too... Cam."]]
[["You too... Cam."]]"Hey, don't sound so excited, okay?"
Wide as it is, their smile is still only barely visible in the starlight.
"You couldn't take it either, huh?"
[['"Yeah."'|yeah-cam]]
[["They changed the mass."]]"I'm glad they have it, you know. The songs, the stories. My uncle's crazy for it. But it doesn't do it for me anymore."
They cough.
"Good wine, though."
[[(Smile.)|(Don't react.)]]
[[(Don't react.)]]"Oh, yeah. A few years back. A new translation. Caused havoc for a few months, but we all learned."
<<if $seat eq "hood">>They wipe some dust off of the hood with their sleeve and sit down next to you.<<else>>They scrape some snow off the curb with their shoe and ease down next to you.<</if>>
"Of course, I only come on Christmas."
[['"Me too."'|me-too-cam]]
[["This is my first time in years."]]<<if $seat eq "hood">>They wipe some dust off of the hood with their sleeve and sit down next to you.<<else>>They scrape some snow off the curb with their shoe and ease down next to you.<</if>>
"Of course, I only come on Christmas."
[['"Me too."'|me-too-cam]]
[["This is my first time in years."]]With a sigh, Cam begins to pat around the sides of their coat. This is a ritual you remember. Pockets on pockets, impossible to find anything.
After a few seconds, they extract a pack of cigarettes from an unseen compartment. "You want one?"
[["Sure."]]
[["No thanks."]]
[['"I don\'t smoke."'|"No thanks."]]"No shit? Welcome back."
With a sigh, Cam begins to pat around the sides of their coat. This is a ritual you remember. Pockets on pockets, impossible to find anything.
After a few seconds, they extract a pack of cigarettes from an unseen compartment. "You want one?"
[["Sure."]]
[["No thanks."]]
[['"I don\'t smoke."'|"No thanks."]]They smile. "Just like old times."
In the flame of the lighter, Cam's face is cast in color for the first time since they wandered out of the dark. Dark hair blooming up at the roots. Small red stains in the corners of their eyes.
When the flame winks out, the dark sets in. A face cast in monochrome from the dim blue light. Shadows that swallow the smoke as it unfurls into the sky.
"So. What's new?"
[["I moved out west."]]
[["I fell in love."]]
[["Not much."]]\
<<script>>$("#smoke-med").fadeIn(3000);
$("#passages").css("background-color", "rgba(230,230,230,0.8)");<</script>>\"Suit yourself."
In the flame of the lighter, Cam's face is cast in color for the first time since they wandered out of the dark. Dark hair blooming up at the roots. Small red stains in the corners of their eyes.
When the flame winks out, the dark sets in. A face cast in monochrome from the dim blue light. Shadows that swallow the smoke as it unfurls into the sky.
"So. What's new?"
[["I moved out west."]]
[["I fell in love."]]
[["Not much."]]\
<<script>>$("#smoke-small").fadeIn(3000);$("#passages").css("background-color", "rgba(230,230,230,0.8)");<</script>>\They turn to face you directly for the first time since they wandered out of the dark. When they inhale, the light at the tip of their cigarette blossoms to reveal the sparkle in their eyes.
"Out west, huh? I hear it's different out there."
[["Completely."]]
[['"In some ways."'|"Completely."]]
[['"Not really."'|"Completely."]]They turn to face you directly for the first time since they wandered out of the dark. A half-turned smile and wide, soft eyes.
"It didn't end well, did it?"
[['"No."'|"It ended."]]
[["It ended."]]
<<set $said_love to 1>>\They tilt their head and turn it towards you. It's hard to tell how well they can read your face in the dark.
"You know, you used to be a lot more talkative."
[['"Sorry."'|"I'm not used to being back here."]]
[['"I guess I changed."'|"I'm not used to being back here."]]
[["I'm not used to being back here."]]Cam takes a long, slow drag, and for a moment the earth is still.
"I'm sorry, D. It shouldn't go like that, but it does."
A gust of wind sweeps through the cars and sends a layer of salt skittering across the asphalt. A few grains settle on a patch of ice at your feet.
[["No. It shouldn't."]]
[[(Say nothing.)|"No. It shouldn't."]]Cam takes a long, slow drag, and for a moment the earth is still.
"Well, I'd like to make it out there myself some day. But I've got enough to do around here."
A gust of wind sweeps through the cars and sends a layer of salt skittering across the asphalt. A few grains settle on a patch of ice at your feet. Maybe it'll turn to water [[sooner than the seasons intend.]]Cam takes a long, slow drag, and for a moment the earth is still.
"It's hard to come home, D. I know that."
A gust of wind sweeps through the cars and sends a layer of salt skittering across the asphalt. A few grains settle on a patch of ice at your feet. Maybe it'll turn to water [[sooner than the seasons intend.]]They're gone.
<i>[[Fuck.]]</i>\
<<audio church-hum-low unloop fadeout>>\
<<script>>$("#special-redflare").css("opacity","0");switchSky();<</script>>\"The bank foreclosed on us last year. Not just him. Everyone within half a mile of the river. The whole neighborhood got shut down for a new development. Some bullshit clause in the contract that let them cancel our mortgage for 'non-residential development opportunities.'"
With the last few words, they lift their hands to paint quotation marks in the air. The fading light at the end of their cigarette bobs in the dark.
[["I had no idea."]]
[['"That\'s awful."'|"I had no idea."]]\They hunch their shoulders up and turn their face away until you can barely see it behind the collar of their jacket. The air turns cold.
"I don't really want to talk about it with you, D. It was a shitty time, and you weren't here."
[['"But I loved that house."'|"I cared about that house too."]]
[['"You should\'ve told me."'|"I cared about that house too."]]\
<<audio church-hum-low fadeto 0.3>>\
<<audio fastchime time 0 play>>\<<if $seat eq "hood">>Cam stubs their cigarette out on the hood of Mom's car and flicks it to the ground.<<else>>Cam stubs their cigarette out on the curb and flicks it out into the lot.<</if>>
"Things change, D. The house is gone. Didn't expect I'd have to explain that to you."
A silence. It's too cold for a conversation like this. The kind of wind that works its way [[deep into the marrow of your bones.]]\
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<<audio pass-buzz volume 0.8 play>>\
<<audio chime loop play>>\
<<script>>$("#smoke-small").fadeOut(0);$("#smoke-med").fadeOut(0);<</script>>\A carol drifts its way out of the church to settle on the pavement.
[["At least you have each other."]]
[["At least you have Ruby."]]\
<<audio church-hum-low fadeto 0.4>>\A thin-lipped smile.
"I don't need silver linings. You weren't here. That's okay. But I'm fine, D. I don't need you to come home and fix my problems for me."
A pause in the service. The quiet is all around.
[["I'm sorry."]]
[[(Say nothing.)|final-sorry-nothing]]\
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<<audio pass-buzz volume 1 play>>\
<<audio church-hum-low fadeto 0.5>>\A thin-lipped smile.
"We had to give her away when they took the house. New place doesn't allow dogs."
A cough in the dark.
"You weren't here. That's okay. But I don't need your silver linings."
[["I'm sorry."]]
[[(Say nothing.)|final-sorry-nothing]]\
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<<audio pass-buzz volume 1 play>>\
<<audio church-hum-low fadeto 0.5>>\<<script>>$("#passages").removeClass("shudder")<</script>>\
<<timed 0s t8n>>"I'm—"<<next 1s>>
"Listen, D. I'd better get back inside. Looks like they're letting out."
In the spire above the church, a bell begins to ring.
"Take care of yourself, okay?"
[["Okay."]]
[['"You too."'|"Okay."]]<</timed>>
<<audio bells volume 0 fadeto 0.3 loop>>\
<<timed 1s>><<script>>$("#passages").addClass("shudder");glassFlash1();<</script>><<audio chime stop>><<audio pass-buzz volume 1 play>><<audio fastchime play>><</timed>>\"Listen, D. I'd better get back inside. Looks like they're letting out."
In the spire above the church, a bell begins to ring.
"Take care of yourself, okay?"
[["Okay."]]
[['"You too."'|"Okay."]]\
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<<audio chime stop>><<audio pass-buzz volume 1 play>><<audio fastchime play>>\
<<audio bells volume 0 fadeto 0.3 loop>>\The doors spring wide, and churchgoers spill out by the dozen. Cam finds their uncle in the doorway and disappears.
In a few minutes, Mom and Dad will make their way through the throng and find you in the darkness. And then [[you'll have to answer for your absence.]]\
<<script>>$("#gradient-yellow").css("opacity","0.2");<</script>>\She never made it. Maybe you shouldn't have told her. Maybe you shouldn't have made promises you couldn't keep.
Oh well. No sense dwelling in the past. It's time to move, D. To the edge of the lot, where the asphalt turns to dirt. To the edge of the dirt, where the soil turns to grass. To the edge of the grass, at the top of the hill, where an old tree with wide branches might still make a perfect seat for [[watching the sky.]]\How long has it been since you made this trek?
[[Last year.|last-year-hill]]
[[A few years back.|last-year-hill]]
[[Last time I went to church.]]\The path still feels familiar. Cool grass underfoot. Stalks so long they brush up against your pants and spread dew on your ankles. Half-melted snow to mark the changing of the season.
If it's as beautiful as you remember, then it'll be [[worth the climb.]]\
<<audio act-3-piano-2 volume 0 fadeto 0.4 loop>>\Is it how you remember, D? Does the sky still look the same?
Does the wind weigh the same against your shoulders? Can your feet find the path without the aid of your eyes?
Do you remember what it looks like where the sky stretches wide?
[[Do you remember what it looks like at the end of the world?]]\
<<audio act-3-piano-2 fadeto 0.8>>\<<timed 0s t8n>>Most people, <<next 0.8s>>you later learned,<<next 0.8s>> don't grow up in towns at the edge of the earth.<<next 3s>>
A sea of stars rises up over the hilltop. A fading tree leans out into the open air. This is how the world ends. At the crest of a hill, at the edge of town, the grass just <i>stops</i> and [[the earth falls away.]]<</timed>>\
<<script>>$("#whiteflare").css("opacity","1");<</script>>\
<<audio act-3-piano-2 fadeto 1>>\
<<audio act-1-wind fadeto 1>>\God, they look even bigger than you remember. Colossal figures, floating in the distance, looping their snakelike bodies to wrap around the stars.
If you're careful, you can rest your body at the edge of the earth. Legs over the edge, hanging into the unknown.
[[But as a child, you were always too afraid.]]\
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<</script>>\Maybe tonight you'll work up the courage. But not yet. [[Not until you have some time to breathe.]]<<timed 7s t8n>>"I was hard on you. I'm sorry."<<next 2.5s>>
[['"That\'s okay."'|"What are you doing here?"]]
[["What are you doing here?"]]<</timed>>\
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<<script>>$("#passages").css("background-color", "rgba(230,230,230,0.8)");<</script>>"It's been really, really hard around here since you left. Not because you left, but. You know what I mean."
Their body shakes in the cold.
"I didn't want to leave things like that."
[["Me neither."]]
[[(Say nothing.)|"Me neither."]]"My uncle's still talking to his friends, and we have a few minutes, and I thought..."
A long, deep breath that spills out into the air.
"I thought we could sit together. Here. And watch them."
A pause.
[["Like we used to."]]"Yes. Like we used to."
[[(Smile.)|and they still rearrange the stars.]]
[['"Okay."'|and they still rearrange the stars.]]<<timed 8s t8n>>"Hey, D?"
[['"Yeah?"'|(Turn to face them.)]]
[[(Turn to face them.)]]<</timed>>\
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<<timed 8s>><<script>>$("#passages").fadeIn(1000);<</script>><</timed>>A sigh.
"What I'm saying is—"
[[They cut themself off.]]A deep breath, and they close their eyes.
"What I'm saying, D, is that everything changes. Everything goes away. But I'd like to think that some things stay the same."
[[They're shaking now.]]"And when the stars go out, or move, or whatever those <i>things</i> are doing. I don't know. They're so beautiful, but I don't know if we're in their plan."
[["I think we are."]]
[['"We can only hope."'|"I think we are."]]
[['"I don\'t know."'|"I think we are."]]<<timed 6s t8n>>"Hey, D?"
[["Yeah?"]]<</timed>>\
<<script>>$("#passages").fadeOut(0);<</script>>\
<<timed 6s>><<script>>$("#passages").fadeIn(1000);<</script>><</timed>>\
<<audio act-3-piano-2 unloop fadeout>>\"When they get [[closer...]]"The stars seem so far away. A moment stopped in time. The spirits in the sky, all frozen in place with their fingers outstretched.
[[What happens to us?]]\[["Well..."]][["I don't know why, but I think we'll be okay."]]
[["We'll just have to find out when it happens."]]
[["They'll probably tear us apart."]]\
<<audio final-chords fadeto 0.8>>\They shake their head and smile. "Maybe. Maybe."
[["It's not the end."]]
[['"We\'ll still be here."'|"It's not the end."]]"[[You still know just what to say.]]"
<<audio final-chords fadeto 1>>\They turn to face you.
"Can you make me a promise?"
[["Of course."]]
[['"What is it?"'|"Of course."]]A pause, and they turn to face you. Confusion that turns to a smile, and a smile that turns to a laugh. Cam rolls their eyes and looks back at the sky.
"You're a fucking riot, D."
[['"Always have been."'|penultimate-negative]]
[[(Smile.)|penultimate-negative]]Silence.
Lights in the sky.
In a moment like this, hands have a tendency to [[find one another in the darkness.]]\"Yeah."
Lights in the sky.
In a moment like this, hands have a tendency to [[find one another in the darkness.]]\"What happened to you?"
[['"I fell in love."'|love-2]]
[["I lost my way."]]
[['"I don\'t know."'|dont-know-2]]\<<if $said_love eq 1>>"So you said."<<else>>"Yeah. I figured."<</if>>
A pause.
<<if $said_name eq 1>>"Where'd she go?"<<else>>"Where'd they go?"<</if>>
[["Away from me."]]
[["Out to the other edge."]]\"Oh."
A pause.
"Think you'll find it again?"
[['"I think so."'|think-2]]
[['"I\'m not sure."'|think-2]]
[['"Not really."'|think-2]]A laugh.
"You know what? [[Me neither.]]"<<timed 4s t8n>>They pull up a handful of grass and toss it over the edge.
"That's not really true, is it?"
[["I think so."]]
[['"I\'m not sure."'|"I think so."]]
[['"Not really."'|"I think so."]]<</timed>>\
<<script>>$("#passages").fadeOut(0);<</script>>\
<<timed 4s>><<script>>$("#passages").fadeIn(1000);<</script>><</timed>>\"Wow."
That's it. [[Wow.]]"Well."
Another handful of grass. An offering extended to the creatures in the sky.
"I'm sorry."
[['"Thanks."'|thanks-end]]
[["It was my fault."]]<<timed 4s t8n>>They pull up a handful of grass and toss it over the edge.
<<if $said_love eq 1>>"Do you think she'll find something there?"<<else>>"Do you think they'll find something there?"<</if>>
[["I think so."]]
[['"I\'m not sure."'|"I think so."]]
[['"Not really."'|"I think so."]]<</timed>>\
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<<timed 4s>><<script>>$("#passages").fadeIn(1000);<</script>><</timed>>\<<timed 4s t8n>>They pull up a handful of grass and toss it over the edge.
"You think it's like this everywhere?"
[["A few places."]]
[["There's another edge out west."]]
[["Not really."]]<</timed>>\
<<script>>$("#passages").fadeOut(0);<</script>>\
<<timed 4s>><<script>>$("#passages").fadeIn(1000);<</script>><</timed>>\Wake up, D. [[You're almost there.]]
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<</script>><<audio "act-1-minor" fadeto 0.6>><</timed>>\
<<audio "act-1-major" volume 0 loop play>>\
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<<audio "act-1-supp" volume 0 loop play>>\
<<audio "act-1-wind" volume 0 fadeto 0.8 loop>>\"D?"
Blurred vision and bleary eyes.
"That's right, isn't it? It just says D in the app, I don't know..."
[[This town still smells like firewood.]]Timber mills, up at the ridge. Sawdust that scatters on the wind to take its turn in the sky before falling back to the earth.
"You'd better wake up, man, my GPS went out."
[["Yeah, it does that around here."]]
[['"I got it, don\'t worry."'|"Yeah, it does that around here."]]Clearing frost from a window requires a sleeve or a nose, and you can't muster the energy for either. From the backseat of this car, the whole world might be covered in a layer of glass.
[["Left at the fork."]]
[['"Follow the trees."'|"Left at the fork."]]"Got it."
It won't be long now. The little house at the base of the ridge. A line of trees pointing straight to your door.
[["You're looking for a house with a plum tree in the front yard."]]
[["You're looking for a house with a dragon on the roof."]]\
<<audio "act-1-supp" fadeto 1>>\"Man, I don't know what a plum tree looks like."
[['"You\'ll see it."'|"Don't worry."]]
[["Don't worry."]]He cranes his neck around the headrest to look at you.
"You sure?"
[['"You\'ll see it."'|dont-worry-dragon]]
[['"Don\'t worry."'|dont-worry-dragon]]"Oh, hold on. My service came back."
The lights on the houses diffract through the glass. Reds and blues, Christmas lights, spilling off the gutters and down into the car. The driver's face catches a flash of yellow from a particularly extravagant display, and for a moment you can see the color of his eyes.
But the car moves on, and the color is gone [[before you can give it a name.]]"Oh, hold on. My service came back."
The lights on the houses diffract through the glass. Reds and blues, Christmas lights, spilling off the gutters and down into the car. The driver's face catches a flash of yellow from a particularly extravagant display, and for a moment you can see the color of his eyes.
But the car moves on, and the color is gone [[before you can give it a name.|give-name-2]]"Here we are."
[['"Thanks."'|(Gather your things in silence.)]]
[[(Gather your things in silence.)]]\
<<audio car unloop fadeout>>\
<<audio car-stop play>>\"Here we are."
[['"Thanks."'|(Gather your things in silence.)-2]]
[[(Gather your things in silence.)|(Gather your things in silence.)-2]]\
<<audio car unloop fadeout>>\"Hey, D."
[['"Yeah?"'|yeah-1]]"I don't see a plum tree."
He's right. Where the tree once stood now lies an empty plot of dirt, half-covered in snow.
[['"I guess they took it down."'|"Huh."]]
[["Huh."]]
[[(Say nothing.)|"Huh."]]\
<<audio "act-1-minor" fadeto 0.4>>\
<<audio "act-1-supp" fadeto 0.7>>\He steps out of the car to pop the trunk and looks around.
"Smells like something burning around here, huh?"
[['"Always has."'|"That's home."]]
[["That's home."]]He grunts.
"Well, have a good one."
[["Merry Christmas."]]
[['"You too."'|"Merry Christmas."]]He nods at you and slides back into the driver's seat. Before you make it up to the stoop, the car is gone.
It's just you and the door, D. And the family on the other side.
[[Welcome home.]]"Hey, D."
[['"Yeah?"'|yeah-1-2]]"I don't see a dragon."
He's right. The roof is bare. Maybe you don't need a weathervane in winter. But they always kept it up before.
[['"I guess they took it down."'|"Huh."]]
[["Huh."]]
[[(Say nothing.)|"Huh."]]\
<<audio "act-1-minor" fadeto 0.4>>\
<<audio "act-1-supp" fadeto 0.7>>\When the door opens, it'll all happen at once. Mom and Dad, Lisa and Jo. A lot of love, a lot of questions, and very little silence.
Out here, in the cold, you have a moment to take it all in. The feeling of a plastic handle weighing heavy against your fingers. The smell of sawdust drifting on the wind. The taste of ash when the mill-tinged air settles soft against your tongue.
It feels like something. It feels like home. It feels so far away.
When you're ready, D, you can [[turn the key.]]What a light this is. The old chandelier, half-loose at the base, painting its rays along the wood that lines the walls. The glow of candles casting shadows on the floor. No matter how many doors you open in your life, none feels quite like the one with a familiar room on the other side.
He's turning to face you already. A smile and a spark. The glint of a glass of wine.
"[[Welcome home, D.]]"\
<<audio "act-1-minor-supp" fadeto 0.5>>\
<<audio "act-1-wind" fadeto 0.5>>\
<<audio "act-1-supp" fadeto 0.4>>\
<<audio "keys" play>>\Before you can speak, you're in the air, and the suitcase falls limp against the ground. Dad was always one for bear hugs. The clatter of plastic on a hardwood floor sends echoes through the house, and within a moment [[the room is ablaze.]]
<<audio "act-1-minor-supp" fadeto 0.8>>\
<<audio "act-1-minor" fadeto 0.3>>\<div class="dad timespeech" id="speech-1-2">"How's the wrist, kid?"</div>
<div class="mom timespeech" id="speech-1-1">"What have they been <i>feeding</i> you?"</div>
<div class="dad timespeech" id="speech-1-5">"Stop! You look good, D."</div>
<div class = "mom timespeech" id="speech-1-3">"You poor thing, covered in snow."</div>
<div class = "jo timespeech" id="speech-1-4">"Mom! Lisa won't let me play with her."</div>
<div class="lisa timespeech" id="speech-1-7">"D's home?"</div>
<div class="jo timespeech" id="speech-1-6">"D's home!"</div>
<div class="mom timespeech" id="speech-1-8">"Lisa, take your brother's bag."</div>
<div class = "lisa timespeech" id="speech-1-10">"I <i>always</i> have to take the bag."</div>
<div class="dad timespeech" id="speech-1-9">"Helluva storm today, huh?"</div>
<div id="options-1" style="text-align: center">\
[[(Give bag to Lisa.)|bag]]
[[(Give bag to Dad.)|bag]]
[[(Hold onto it.)|bag-keep]]\
</div>\
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<<audio "act-1-supp" fadeto 0.8>>\The laughter settles, and with its passing the earth is silent again.
In a moment like this, hands have a tendency to [[find one another in the darkness.]]\A wind picks up from behind.
"You know, after all these years, I was worried things [[might be different.]]"\"But that's [[the thing about you, D.]]"It's amazing how quickly you can get used to something like this. The sudden drop into darkness, and the empty feeling it brings. The long, low horizon where the blackness meets the stars.
It's been like this for as long as you can remember. The end of everything, just past the church. No one even thinks to talk about it when describing the town. [[The only landmark they mention is the mill.]]\
<<script>>$("#softwhiteflare").css("opacity","1");<</script>>\<<timed 13s t8n>><div class="title">Fall On Your Knees</div>\
<div class="subtitle">a game about coming home</div>\
<div class="credits">\
<i>For everyone who has lost a home and made a new one. For everyone who has lost their breath from looking at the stars.</i>
<table border=0 style="width: 100%; text-align: left;">
<tr>
<td>Writing, Code, Music, and Sound Design</td>
<td>Jon Sorce</td>
<td>[[(Twitter)|http://www.twitter.com/sonjorce]] [[(Website)|http://www.jonsorce.com]]</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>Illustrations and Visual Design</td>
<td>Z. Zandbergen</td>
<td>[[(Website)|http://zzand.tumblr.com/ABOUT]]</td>
</tr>
</table>\
Made in [[Twine|http://twinery.org/]] using [[Sugarcube|http://www.motoslave.net/sugarcube/]].
Thank you to Joe, whose unparalleled knack for challenging my ideas is responsible for most of this story's bite and a lot of its substance. Thank you to Kira for encouraging me to see my stories through to the end. Thank you to my mother for showing me the beauty in the church and for letting me find my own way when I decided it wasn't for me.
<div class="subtitle">[[WHAT NOW?]]</div><</timed>>\
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<<script>>breatheOut();<</script>>\I conceived of <i>Fall On Your Knees</i> on Christmas, 2017, after attending a Catholic mass with my family. It was a small project, written and produced in about two months near the end of 2018. If you liked it, you should take a look at <i>[[Soft Earth|http://rudeghost.itch.io/soft-earth]]</i>, my longer game in the same style.
If you'd like to offer some compensation for your experience with this game, you can make a donation over at the game's [[itch.io page|http://rudeghost.itch.io/fall-on-your-knees]]. Any donations will be split evenly between the two members of the development team. Alternatively, we encourage you to donate money either to the [[Chicago Community Bond Fund|http://chicagobond.org]] or to the [[Bill Wilson Center|https://www.billwilsoncenter.org/]], two organizations that help marginalized people find their way home. If you end up giving a donation, I'd love it if you let me know via [[Twitter|http://www.twitter.com/sonjorce]] or email (address listed on my [[website|http://www.jonsorce.com]]). If you can't afford a donation, then consider leaving a review or a comment on the [[itch.io page|http://rudeghost.itch.io/fall-on-your-knees]] to help other people find this game.
Thank you for being a part of my family tonight. Thank you for watching the stars with me. I hope I'll see you again.
- Jon Sorce
<div class="title_div"><<linkreplace "Click here to restart the game.">><<script>>Engine.restart()<</script>><</linkreplace>></div>The bag changes hands and disappears, whisked away to some place beyond the kitchen. A childhood bedroom, still decorated with posters of concerts you can hardly remember. Lisa sleeps there now. <<linkreplace "The paper peels at the corners.">>The paper peels at the corners.<<timed 1s>><<script>>
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<div class ="dad timespeech" id="speech-2-1">"Honey, did we pick up D's cereal?"</div>
<div class="jo timespeech" id="speech-2-2">"Is it scary to fly in the snow?"</div>
<div class="mom timespeech" id="speech-2-3">"I'm so glad you made it home."</div>
<div id="options-2" style="text-align: center">[['"Almost thought we wouldn\'t make it."'|"Me too, Mom."]]
[['"You haven\'t changed the locks yet, huh?"'|"Me too, Mom."]]
[["Me too, Mom."]]</div>\
<<audio "act-1-supp" fadeto 0.8>>\You tighten your fingers, and the handle of the bag presses against your palm. Somewhere beyond the kitchen, your childhood bedroom is still decorated with posters of concerts you can hardly remember. Lisa sleeps there now. <<linkreplace "The paper peels at the corners.">>The paper peels at the corners.<<timed 1s>><<script>>
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<div class ="dad timespeech" id="speech-2-1">"Honey, did we pick up D's cereal?"</div>
<div class="jo timespeech" id="speech-2-2">"Is it scary to fly in the snow?"</div>
<div class="mom timespeech" id="speech-2-3">"I'm so glad you made it home."</div>
<div id="options-2" style="text-align: center">[['"Almost thought we wouldn\'t make it."'|"Me too, Mom."]]
[['"You haven\'t changed the locks yet, huh?"'|"Me too, Mom."]]
[["Me too, Mom."]]</div>\
<<audio "act-1-supp" fadeto 0.8>>\Someone lit the fire before you got home. Almost an hour ago now, by the size of it. It's nice. A crackling smell that settles into the woodwork. The new dining room always felt [[a little too clean.]]\
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<<audio fire volume 0 fadeto 0.2 loop>>\As Dad herds your sisters into the kitchen to give you the space to settle in, Mom leans in to kiss you on the forehead.
"Let me take your coat, DF."
[["DF? Jesus, Mom, I haven't heard that one in years."]]
[["This dragonfly's ready to crash."]]
[['"Thanks."'|"This dragonfly's ready to crash."]]\
<<audio "act-1-minor-supp" fadeto 0.5>>\
<<audio "act-1-supp" fadeto 0.5>>\
<<script>>
$("#gradient-fire").css("opacity",0);
<</script>>\Dad's voice drifts in from the next room. "Hey! It's Christmas Eve! First commandment rules, no Jesus talk unless it's the biblical kind."
[[(Smile.)|"Alright, Dad."]]
[["Alright, Dad."]]
[['"Christ, Dad, lighten up."'|"Alright, Dad."]]Dad's voice drifts in from the next room. "I don't want to hear any complaining about the weather, alright? Moving west doesn't mean you get to hang up your snow shoes."
[[(Smile.)|"Alright, Dad."]]
[["Alright, Dad."]]
[['"We\'ve got snow out there too, you know."'|"Alright, Dad."]]Mom laughs and pats you on the cheek. "No trouble tonight, okay?"
[["I would never."]]
[['"We\'ll see about that."'|"I would never."]]The smell is getting into your skin now. That's good. The feeling of an airplane always lingers until something warm replaces it. [[You could use a little peace.]]\
<<audio act-1-minor fadeto 0.2>>\
<<audio act-1-minor-supp fadeto 0.4>>\Mom leads you into the kitchen, where Dad is entertaining Jo with a homemade puppet of felt and pipe cleaners. Off in the corner, Lisa sits propped up against the wall with a sketchpad in her lap, trying to capture the shadows of a hanging plant.
"So," Dad says. "You're coming with us this year."
[["Yeah, I am."]]
[['"I couldn\'t really say no."'|"Yeah, I am."]]Mom smiles. Her steps seems a little lighter than usual. "I'm so glad. It's been years."
She glances at the clock on the wall and clicks her tongue. "We'd better get going."
She disappears up the stairs, and Dad shoos Jo off [[into her room to change.]]He sets a glass of wine down on the kitchen table and pulls out a chair for you. A telltale rocking of the seat marks the time you leaned back too far and sent one of its legs sprawling across the floor.
"It really means a lot to her, you know."
[['"I know."'|(Take a sip.)]]
[[(Take a sip.)]]\
<<audio "act-1-supp" fadeto 0.6>>\"She tries to let you make your own choices, she really does. And we want you to be your own person. But it means a lot to her."
[["I want her to be happy on Christmas."]]
[["I already agreed, okay?"]]\
<<audio "act-1-minor-supp" fadeto 0.5>>\He nods.
"I know this is a big deal for you, and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. But it's not really about the religious stuff, you know? She just wants you to be a part of the family."
[['"I know."'|sorry-dad]]
[[(Say nothing.)|sorry-dad]]
[[(Take a sip.)|sorry-dad]]He shrugs.
"I know this is a big deal for you, and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. But it's not really about the religious stuff, you know? She just wants you to be a part of the family."
[['"Sorry."'|sorry-dad]]
[[(Say nothing.)|sorry-dad]]
[[(Take a sip.)|sorry-dad]]\With a grunt of effort, Dad eases himself down in the chair across from you.
"God. Christmas Mass. How many years has it been?"
[["Ten."]]
[["I'm not sure."]]\
<<audio "act-1-minor-supp" fadeto 0.3>>\
<<audio "act-1-minor" fadeto 0.2>>\He swirls the wine in his glass and gazes aimlessly at the ceiling.
"Ten years. You beat my streak. I only ever made it nine."
[[(Smile.)|sip-3]]
[[(Don't react.)|sip-3]]\He swirls the wine in his glass and gazes aimlessly at the ceiling.
"My streak was nine. Nine years. Then I met your mom, and she wanted me to go back."
[[(Smile.)|sip-3]]
[[(Don't react.)|sip-3]]\"Anyway." He stands up and stretches. "I had better get dressed."
He takes a few steps up the stairs, then pauses to lean back over the railing.
"I mean it, D. It means a lot."
[[And then he's gone.]]\
<<audio "act-1-minor" fadeto 0>>\
<<audio "act-1-supp" fadeto 0>>\The hissing of the radiator muffles the sounds of speech, and you can barely hear Lisa and Jo arguing in the next room. Only the occasional word insists on being heard over the relentless sound of an old, warm house in winter.
You've got a little time to yourself. After all, [[you flew in your church clothes.]]Christmas Eve in a Catholic church. A buttoned shirt and pleated pants. The kind of tradition that your mind forgets but your body remembers.
When Dad called you last week and asked you to come, [[you weren't sure what to say.]]\It's hard to imagine that old church is still standing. Way out there at the edge of town, down in the valley where the lights wink out, it might as well be a dream.
But it was important, he said. She misses you, he said. You don't have to believe in anything, but [[this means something to someone you love.]]\When you put it like that, it's hard to say no. An hour or so in a familiar place, however uneasy, is a small price to pay for family.
And who knows? [[It might still be beautiful.]]\
<<audio "act-1-minor-supp" fadeto 0>>\A flash of orange light erupts from the far wall, and the sound of a crack splits the air around the fireplace. The metal grate that guards the fire glows from behind as a shower of sparks blooms up from the flame.
So Dad never fixed the tear in the ventilation. [[At least that hasn't changed.]]\
<<audio flare play>>\
<<script>>flare();<</script>>\Jo wanders out of her room and poses in the doorway. A glittery dress and a clip-on bowtie. It's hard not to smile.
[["Come here, kid."]]
[["Don't you look fancy."]]\
<<audio "act-1-major" fadeto 0.3>>\
<<audio "act-1-wind" fadeto 0.6>>\
<<audio "act-1-supp" fadeto 0.2>>\
<<audio "act-1-major-supp" fadeto 0.2>>\She climbs into your lap and lays her head against your shirt. The dress sparkles in the light of the chandelier.
"How long are you staying this time?"
[['"Not very long."'|"Long enough."]]
[["Long enough."]]She covers her eyes with her hands, then bounces into your lap and lays her head against your shirt. Her dress sparkles in the light of the chandelier.
"How long are you staying this time?"
[['"Not very long."'|"Long enough."]]
[["Long enough."]]"Okay."
Six years old. Bigger than you remember. Her head is warm on your chest.
"Will you count the stars with me?"
Of course. [[The stars.]]\
<<audio "act-1-major" fadeto 0.4>>\Down here at the base of the ridge, the houses are too close together to see much of anything in the sky at night. Street lamps and porchlights conspire to block out the sky, and anything beyond the Big Dipper is hazy in the dark.
But around Christmas, [[the lights come out.]]\
<<audio act-1-wind fadeto 0.7>>\
<<audio "act-1-major" fadeto 0.5>>\
<<audio "act-1-major-supp" fadeto 0.3>>\
<<script>>$("#gradient-low-fire").css("opacity",0);switchStar();window.vMax = 0.2;
<</script>>\Without waiting for a reply, Jo clambers up onto your shoulders and pats you on the head. Giddyup, D. [[It's time to play.]]\
<<audio act-1-supp fadeto 0.3>>\You have to crouch to get through the front door without banging her head on the frame, but she's too distracted making horse sounds to notice. Neighs, whinnies, and gentle kicks against your side.
"Look, D! They're here."
[[She's right.]]\
<<audio act-1-wind fadeto 0.8>>\
<<audio "act-1-major-supp" fadeto 0.4>>\
<<audio fire fadeto 0>>\The house across the street is covered in Christmas lights. White, red, blue, green, and everything in between. They must have cost a fortune. In the haze of the ridge air and the cover of the snow, each one spreads to form a little ball of color in the dark.
[[Jo is already counting.]]\
<<audio "act-1-major-supp" fadeto 0.5>>\If you crane your neck, you can see her face. One eye squeezed shut, the other squinting to focus the light. Her left hand is pressed up against her forehead to sweep the hair out of her eyes.
"I counted them all, D."
[["Already?"]]
[["How many are there?"]]She snorts. "I'm very fast."
[["How many are there?"]]"More than ever this year!"
She fidgets on your shoulders.
"It must be. Um. A thousand million."
[["A billion?"]]
[["That's a lot of stars, Jo."]]"Yeah!"
She drops her arms.
"Are there people on them?"
[['"I don\'t know."'|"I hope so."]]
[["I hope so."]]She squeezes your neck with her legs. The sign that she wants to be let down.
When she finds her footing on the porch, she wraps her arms around your legs and buries her face against you.
"Mom says you're coming with us this year."
[["I am."]]
[[(Say nothing.)|"I am."]]\
<<audio "act-1-major" fadeto 0.2>>\
<<audio "act-1-major-supp" fadeto 0.3>>\She shivers in the cold.
"Why don't you come every year?"
[["Bad memories."]]
[['"It\'s hard to explain."'|"Bad memories."]]
[['"I\'m not quite sure."'|"Bad memories."]]\
<<audio act-1-wind fadeto 0.9>>\
<<audio act-1-supp fadeto 0.9>>\Jo releases her hold on your legs to take one last look at the lights across the street.
"Lisa won't count the stars with me anymore. She says it's not what grown-ups do."
She turns to look up at you, then takes you by the hand and leads you back inside.
"I'm glad you're home, D."
[['"I love you, Jo."'|thru-door]]
[['"Me too."'|thru-door]]It smells warm in here. Dusty books and dark velvet. Light streaming in through two long, narrow windows that vault the ceiling.
[[Did the rafters always reach so high?]]\
<div class="title_card" id="act-2"><div class="act_title" id="act-2-title">ACT II - SERVICE</div></div>\
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$("<style type='text/css'> a{ color:#2F0057;} a:hover {color:#74419F;} </style>").appendTo("head");<</script>>\"Yeah! A billion."
She drops her arms.
"Are there people on them?"
[['"I don\'t know."'|"I hope so."]]
[["I hope so."]]As soon as you're through the door, Mom scoops Jo into her arms and carries her back outside. In the hall, Dad is adjusting his tie in the mirror.
"Mom's starting the car. Grab Lisa for me, will you?"
He smooths his shirt and [[walks into the cold.]]
<<audio act-1-wind fadeto 0.5>>\
<<audio act-1-supp fadeto 0.5>>\
<<audio act-1-major fadeto 0.4>>\
<<audio act-1-major-supp fadeto 0.4>>\
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<<script>>switchStarFire();$("#gradient-low-fire").css("opacity",1);window.vMax = 0.25;
<</script>>\Lisa's room—your room—is in the back corner of the house, past the kitchen. The doorframe still has little green flowers painted at its base. A fingerpainting project from a long time ago.
Through the half-open door, in the mirror on the far wall, you can see Lisa sitting on the floor.
[[(Knock on the door.)]]
[[(Open it.)]]\
<<audio fire fadeto 0.1>>\Lisa disappears from the reflection, and the door swings wide. A glimpse of something. Glitter on a shag carpet. Empty space over the bed where you once hammered a hook into the wall to hang a tambourine.
The door closes with a smack, and she's standing in front of you.
[["Mom says it's time to go."]]
[['"What were you doing in there?"'|"Mom says it's time to go."]]\
<<audio act-1-major fadeto 0.3>>\
<<audio act-1-major-supp fadeto 0.5>>\The door swings open, and Lisa scrambles to her feet.
It looks different in here. Glitter on a shag carpet. Empty space over the bed where you once hammered a hook into the wall to hang a tambourine. Your old posters lie half-curled in a pile that sticks out from under the bed. Maybe she didn't feel right throwing them away.
Lisa drags her foot along the carpet and coughs.
[['"Mom says it\'s time to go."'|mom-says-2]]
[['"Is everything okay?"'|mom-says-2]]\
<<audio act-1-major fadeto 0.3>>\
<<audio act-1-major-supp fadeto 0.5>>\She buries her hands into the pockets of her coat.
"Are you happy to be home?"
[['"Of course I am."'|"What kind of question is that?"]]
[['"I\'m not sure."'|"What kind of question is that?"]]
[["What kind of question is that?"]]\
<<audio act-1-supp fadeto 0.6>>\
<<audio act-1-major-supp fadeto 0.7>>\
<<audio act-1-major fadeto 0.2>>\She pulls the coat tighter.
"It's just. Usually you seem more excited. Usually we get to talk for a while."
[["I didn't want to interrupt your drawing."]]
[['"Mom and Dad were in a rush to get to church."'|"I didn't want to interrupt your drawing."]]
[["I'm sorry, Lisa."]]\
<<audio act-1-major-supp fadeto 0.8>>\She looks at her shoes.
"I know. But. You talked to Jo and not me."
[["We had to count the stars."]]
[['"I missed you, Lisa."'|(Give her a hug.)]]
[[(Give her a hug.)]]She looks at her shoes.
"It's okay. It's just. Usually we're a team. But you talked to Jo and not me."
[["We had to count the stars."]]
[['"I missed you, Lisa."'|(Give her a hug.)]]
[[(Give her a hug.)]]A very small voice emerges from deep beneath the scarf where she's buried her face.
"I made fun of her last time she did it. I feel bad."
A pause.
"Do you still want to hang out with me?"
[['"Of course."'|"I've been counting the days."]]
[["I've been counting the days."]]
<<audio act-1-major-supp fadeto 0.8>>\She wraps her arms around you and sniffs into your scarf.
"We don't get to see you much."
[["Let's go somewhere tomorrow morning. Just you and me."]]
[["Let's hike up the ridge this weekend."]]\
<<audio act-1-major-supp fadeto 0.4>>\
<<audio act-1-major fadeto 0.4>>\
<<audio act-1-supp fadeto 0.2>>\She pulls away and looks up at you. She's taller than she used to be. Her neck doesn't tilt when she looks you in the eyes.
"Can we drive to the river?"
[["It's got to be frozen by now."]]
[["I'll ask Mom to borrow her car."]]\
<<audio act-1-major fadeto 0.6>>\She pulls away and looks up at you with a gasp.
"You mean it?"
[['"You\'re old enough now."'|"I've got to pass it on."]]
[["I've got to pass it on."]]\
<<audio act-1-major fadeto 0.6>>\Her hands emerge from her pockets to pick at the loose threads at the bottom of her shirt.
"You'll show me the way? You said it was your secret."
[['"It\'s our secret now."'|"That was a long time ago."]]
[["That was a long time ago."]]\
<<audio act-1-major-supp fadeto 0.3>>\She beams.
"I'm sorry if I made you feel bad about spending time with Jo. It's really okay."
[["I understand."]]
[['"Don\'t worry."'|"I understand."]]
[["Try not to jump to conclusions next time, okay?"]]Dad's voice bellows through the door from the front yard. It's time to go.
"Hey, D?"
[[A tug at your hand.]]\
<<audio act-1-major fadeto 0.6>>\She grins.
"Okay."
Dad's voice bellows through the door from the front yard. It's time to go.
"Hey, D?"
[[A tug at your hand.]]\
<<audio act-1-major fadeto 0.6>>\She smiles a little, but keeps her head in the scarf.
"We don't get to see you much."
[["Let's go somewhere tomorrow morning. Just you and me."]]
[["Let's hike up the ridge this weekend."]]\
<<audio act-1-major-supp fadeto 0.4>>\
<<audio act-1-major fadeto 0.4>>\
<<audio act-1-supp fadeto 0.2>>\"I really missed you."
[['"I missed you too."'|"I love you, Lisa."]]
[["I love you, Lisa."]]\
<<audio act-1-major fadeto 1>>\
She smiles. Dad calls again, and Lisa guides you back to the front door.
[[The car is idling in the street.]]\
<<audio act-1-wind fadeto 0.9>>\
<<audio fire fadeto 0>>\
<<script>>$("#gradient-low-fire").css("opacity",0);switchStar();window.vMax = 0.2;
<</script>>\"That's the point! Marcus says it's so thick you can walk out on the ice and not even break it."
Her hands emerge from her pockets to pick at the loose threads at the bottom of her shirt.
"Will you go with me?"
[['"I can\'t wait."'|"That was a long time ago."]]
[['"As long as we\'re back in time for presents."'|"That was a long time ago."]]Her hands emerge from the pockets as she begins picking at her collar.
"And it'll be just you and me?"
[['"Our secret."'|"That was a long time ago."]]
[['"As long as we\'re back in time for presents."'|"That was a long time ago."]]It's going to be <i>weird</i>, D. You can be sure of that. But maybe it'll be something else, too. You never know.
Lisa climbs into the back of the car while Dad folds himself into the passenger seat. A gust of wind sends a shiver through your teeth.
There's one seat left for you, D. And no matter what else happens, it'll be warm inside.
<<linkreplace "Time for church.">>Time for church.<<script>>$("#act-2").css("transition","opacity 3s ease-in");$("#act-2").css("opacity","1");$("#act-2").css("pointer-events","auto");<</script>><<audio act-1-major unloop fadeout>>\
<<audio act-1-minor unloop fadeout>>\
<<audio act-1-supp unloop fadeout>>\
<<audio act-1-major-supp unloop fadeout>>\
<<audio act-1-minor unloop fadeout>>\
<<audio fire unloop fadeout>>\
<<audio act-1-wind unloop fadeout>>\
<<audio car-1-2 play>>\
<<timed 4s>><<goto "act-2">><</timed>>
<</linkreplace>>\"What do you think [[happens to us?]]"\
<<audio final-chords volume 0.6 loop play>>\She buries her hands into the pockets of her coat. Her eyes drift away to the stripes on the walls.
"Are you happy to be home?"
[['"Of course I am."'|"What kind of question is that?"]]
[['"I\'m not sure."'|"What kind of question is that?"]]
[["What kind of question is that?"]]\
<<audio act-1-supp fadeto 0.6>>\
<<audio act-1-major-supp fadeto 0.7>>\
<<audio act-1-major fadeto 0.2>>\<<cacheaudio "bg" "audio/bg.ogg" "audio/bg.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "FALL" "audio/FALL.ogg" "audio/FALL.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "FALL-synth" "audio/FALL-synth.ogg" "audio/FALL-synth.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "FALL-outro" "audio/FALL-outro.ogg" "audio/FALL-outro.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "FALL-eq" "audio/FALL-eq.ogg" "audio/FALL-eq.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "car" "audio/car.ogg" "audio/car.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "car-stop" "audio/car-stop.ogg" "audio/car-stop.mp3">>
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<<cacheaudio "act-1-major-supp" "audio/act-1-major-supp.ogg" "audio/act-1-major-supp.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "act-1-minor" "audio/act-1-minor.ogg" "audio/act-1-minor.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "act-1-minor-supp" "audio/act-1-minor-supp.ogg" "audio/act-1-minor-supp.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "act-1-supp" "audio/act-1-supp.ogg" "audio/act-1-supp.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "act-1-wind" "audio/act-1-wind.ogg" "audio/act-1-wind.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "act-2-wind" "audio/act-2-wind.ogg" "audio/act-2-wind.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "fire" "audio/fire.ogg" "audio/fire.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "chime" "audio/chime.ogg" "audio/chime.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "fastchime" "audio/fastchime.ogg" "audio/fastchime.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "keys" "audio/keys.ogg" "audio/keys.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "flare" "audio/flare.ogg" "audio/flare.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "car-1-2" "audio/car-1-2.ogg" "audio/car-1-2.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "church-rustle" "audio/church-rustle.ogg" "audio/church-rustle.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "church-mumble" "audio/church-mumble.ogg" "audio/church-mumble.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "buzz" "audio/buzz.ogg" "audio/buzz.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "pass-buzz" "audio/pass-buzz.ogg" "audio/pass-buzz.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "church-hum-low" "audio/church-hum-low.ogg" "audio/church-hum-low.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "gravel" "audio/gravel.ogg" "audio/gravel.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "bells" "audio/bells.ogg" "audio/bells.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "act-3-piano-1" "audio/act-3-piano-1.ogg" "audio/act-3-piano-1.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "act-3-piano-2" "audio/act-3-piano-2.ogg" "audio/act-3-piano-2.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "final-chords" "audio/final-chords.ogg" "audio/final-chords.mp3">>
One reading flows to another, to another, to another. The words blend together, and the wind strikes the church from the hills beyond the walls, and once more the pastor is speaking. Another murmured prayer.
<<if $parent eq "Mom">>[[Mom looks happy.]]<<else>>Across the aisle, [[Mom looks happy.]]<</if>><<if $seat eq "hood">>Cam lies back on the hood and closes their eyes.<<else>>Cam lies back on the dirt and closes their eyes.<</if>> In the shadow of the church, the quiet rests heavy in your ears.
[["What's new with you?"]]"Oh, you know. This and that. Still working retail, wherever I can get it. Bounced around to a few different places. Never seem to last anywhere for long. Everyone says I'm still <i>finding my feet.</i>"
They smirk.
"Most everyone moved across the river to the city. Not much of a city, but I guess it's better than here. Miles comes back every once in a while, and Elle lets me stay in her apartment when I drive over."
[["How's Elle?"]]
[["How's Miles?"]]<<if $seat eq "hood">>They lie back on the hood and close their eyes.<<else>>They lie back on the dirt and close their eyes.<</if>>
"What was their name?"
[["Her name was Amira."]]
[["It doesn't matter anymore."]]"Amira."
They smile.
"That's a good name. I'll remember that."
[["Thanks."]]
[[(Say nothing.)|"Thanks."]]\
<<set $said_name to 1>>They wince. "That bad, huh?"
Another cloud of smoke. "Listen, let me ask you a favor. Do what you want with your ex, but if anyone ever asks you my name, just tell them. Okay? It's superstitious, but... I don't want to be forgotten."
[["I promise."]]
[['"It was Amira."'|"Her name was Amira."]]Cam smiles.
"I'll hold you to that. It's a good fucking name."
[[(Laugh.)|"Thanks."]]
[[(Smile.)|"Thanks."]]
[[(Don't react.)|"Thanks."]]In the shadow of the church, the quiet rests heavy in your ears. It won't be long until the bells start to ring and the crowd pours forth into the night, but for the moment the sky is dark and the air is still.
[["What's new with you?"]]"She got married. No kidding. Her girlfriend proposed after three months. You remember that girl who used to work the drive-through at Benny's?"
[["The one who wore the same Metallica hoodie every day for a year?"]]
[["The one who always said to 'keep it loose' when she handed you the receipt?"]]"Ah, man, you know. He's figuring shit out. His dad got him a job at the law firm filing papers. He says he wants to be a lawyer now. Thought he was better than that."
[["Is this the same Miles who got so high on Halloween that he fell down in the middle of Cedar and refused to get up?"]]
[["Is this the same Miles who got busted for spraying 'all cops are bat turds' on the side of the mill?"]]Cam bursts out laughing midway through a drag and starts coughing up smoke.
"Fuck! I forgot about that! You could tell when she washed it each month by waiting for the ketchup stains to move around."
It feels good to laugh. Cam wipes a tear out from the corner of their eye.
"Sure, she used to be kind of a mess. But she's a good one, apparently. Makes Elle happy. They have a Pomeranian named Lucky."
[["I'm happy for her."]]
[['"At least she\'s got someone."'|"I'm happy for her."]]Cam bursts out laughing midway through a drag and starts coughing up smoke.
"Fuck! I forgot about that! 'Keep it loose, dog.' Yeah man, thanks, I'll keep it loose with these shitty fries."
It feels good to laugh. Cam wipes a tear out from the corner of their eye.
"Sure, she used to be kind of a mess. But she's a good one, apparently. Makes Elle happy. They have a Pomeranian named Lucky."
[["I'm happy for her."]]
[['"At least she\'s got someone."'|"I'm happy for her."]]They smile and flick a spray of ash onto the ground.
"We should hang out again, D. I missed you."
[["You still live with your uncle?"]]
[['"Am I still allowed in the treehouse?"'|"You still live with your uncle?"]]Cam sits up.
"Shit, D, you've really been gone for a while, huh?"
[['"I guess so."'|nothing-foreclosure]]
[[(Say nothing.)|nothing-foreclosure]]\
<<script>>$("#passages").addClass("shudder");var p = $("#passages"); var clo = p.clone(true); p.before(clo); p.remove();glassFlash1();switchRed1sky();$("#special-redflare").css("opacity","0.1");<</script>>\
<<audio fastchime play>>\
<<audio pass-buzz volume 0.6 play>>\
<<audio church-hum-low volume 0 fadeto 0.2 loop>>\
<<audio act-3-piano-1 unloop stop>>\Cam bursts out laughing midway through a drag and starts coughing up smoke.
"Fuck! I forgot about that! He just lay there in that stupid clown costume and told everyone he was practicing for his driving test."
It feels good to laugh. Cam wipes a tear out from the corner of their eye.
"Yeah, he's cleaned up. So he says. Same old Miles, but he's got a paycheck and an apartment and a scented litterbox for his cat."
[['"I\'m happy for him."'|"I'm happy for her."]]
[['"Hey, at least he\'s keeping busy."'|"I'm happy for her."]]Cam bursts out laughing midway through a drag and starts coughing up smoke.
"Fuck! I forgot about that! He was so fucking proud of that one. 'All cops are bat turds.' What an asshole."
It feels good to laugh. Cam wipes a tear out from the corner of their eye.
"Yeah, he's cleaned up. So he says. Same old Miles, but he's got a paycheck and an apartment and a scented litterbox for his cat."
[['"I\'m happy for him."'|"I'm happy for her."]]
[['"Hey, at least he\'s keeping busy."'|"I'm happy for her."]]It's hard to imagine having that conversation. What do you even say? <i>Sorry, Mom. I couldn't fuck up in church because I had to fuck up with Cam.</i>
She'll understand, of course. She always does. But the thought of seeing her now [[wraps a hand around your throat.]]\
<<audio bells unloop fadeout>>\
<<audio act-2-wind fadeto 1>>\You don't have much time. The air is filling with the voices of the joyful, and it's getting harder to breathe.
You can make it back. You can talk to Mom. You can tell her you're sorry. You can spend Christmas at home.
But it's so very hard. And it's so very dark out here at the edge of town. And you need [[a moment of peace.]]Just one moment, and you'll be okay. A second to catch your breath. Not here. Somewhere you can be alone.
[[You know just the spot.]]Everyone calls it "the church on the edge of town," but that isn't quite true. The real border splits the top of a hill whose base forms the other end of the parking lot. Up there, you can be alone. People tend not to try to [[make it up there in the dark.]]There's a story about this hill. There's a story about most hills. But unlike most hills, this one feels familiar beneath your feet.
It's funny. [[You told Amira you'd take her one day.]]\
<<script>>$("#gradient-yellow").css("opacity","0");<</script>>\Maybe you did. Maybe you did.
But it's hard to believe.
[[A place like this isn't easily forgotten.|worth the climb.]]\
<<audio act-3-piano-2 volume 0 fadeto 0.4 loop>>\The edge of the earth. Beautiful, but not too special. Plenty of things end, and the earth is no exception.
The trek to crest the hill has one purpose: to be alone in the face of something bigger than yourself. To witness [[the creatures who inhabit the dark.]]
<<script>>$("#trans-guys-blur").css("opacity","0.05");<</script>>\You had told her about the spirits, of course, but you hadn't told her about their hands. You hadn't mentioned the way they reshape the stars. You hadn't told her that they were getting closer.
[[Some things seem better left unsaid.]]It's <i>cold</i> up here. Your breath turns to vapor in the air and rises up to meet the creatures in the stars.
[[Maybe they remember you.]]\
<<script>>$("#trans-guys-blur").css("opacity","0");$("#blueflare").css("opacity","1");$("#trans-guys").css("opacity","0.4");<</script>>\You remember them, of course. How could you forget? Serpentine forms, coils in the air, plucking stars out of the sky and shuffling the constellations around.
[[You shouldn't have told her.]]\Or maybe you should have. She can make her own choices. But [[you wish she'd chosen differently.]]Amira believed she could fix things. She thought the earth was worth saving. You loved that about her. But in a fight, at the behest of some petty grievance whose memory has not stood the test of time, <i>the wrong thing</i> burned a hole in your mind.
And it found a way to be said. [[It always does.]]<<timed 0s t8n>><i>"What's the point?"</i><<next 2.5s>>
<i>"It's all ending anyway."</i><<next 5s>>
Most people, <<next 1.2s>>you later learned,<<next 1.2s>> don't grow up in [[towns at the edge of the earth.]]<</timed>>Maybe it would have ended differently if you'd gone with her, D. Maybe she'd be here if you had agreed to help.
But how could you? [[This is just how things are.]]<<timed 0s t8n>>So she heard about a problem she thought she could fix. <<next 2.5s>> Read about a group of people out west, at the other edge, who were trying to save the stars. <<next 3s>><i>What's the point of this,</i><<next 1s>> she said, <<next 1s>><i>if we can't stop the earth from falling apart?</i><<next 2.5s>>
<i>Come with me.</i><<next 3.5s>>
<i>[["I can't."]]</i><</timed>>So she packed her bags, and found a bus that went where she needed to go. "Out west" from out west. Further still into the unknown.
Do you still believe what you said?
<i>[[There's no point in trying to stop them.]]</i>
<i>[[The earth changes no matter what we do.|There's no point in trying to stop them.]]</i>
<i>[[All we can do is wait.|There's no point in trying to stop them.]]</i>\
<<script>>$("#passages").removeClass("shudder");<</script>>\"I'm sorry."
Cam.
[[(Turn around.)|turn-cam]]<<script>>$("#passages").fadeOut(0);<</script>>\
<<timed 3s>><<script>>$("#passages").fadeIn("1000");<</script>><</timed>>\<<timed 4s t8n>>They pull up a handful of grass and toss it over the edge.
"Do you think it's like this everywhere?"
[["A few places."]]
[["There's another edge out west."]]
[["Not really."]]<</timed>>\
<<script>>$("#passages").fadeOut(0);<</script>>\
<<timed 4s>><<script>>$("#passages").fadeIn(1000);<</script>><</timed>>\<<timed 5s t8n>>"I don't think we have much control over the things we do."
[["Maybe not."]]
[["I could have helped her."]]<</timed>>\
<<script>>$("#passages").fadeOut(0);<</script>>\
<<timed 5s>><<script>>$("#passages").fadeIn(1000);<</script>><</timed>>\<<timed 5s t8n>>"I don't think we have much control over what happens to us."
[["Maybe not."]]
[["I could have helped her."]]<</timed>>\
<<script>>$("#passages").fadeOut(0);<</script>>\
<<timed 5s>><<script>>$("#passages").fadeIn(1000);<</script>><</timed>>\"What did she want?"
[["She wanted to stop these things."]]
[["She wanted to save the world."]]
[["She wanted something I couldn't give."]]<<timed 0s t8n>>"No shit, huh?"<<next 3.5s>>
"I hope she does."<<next 2.5s>>
[['"Me too."'|me-too-jay]]
[[(Say nothing.)|me-too-jay]]<</timed>><<timed 0s t8n>>"No shit, huh?"<<next 3.5s>>
"I hope she does."<<next 2.5s>>
[['"Me too."'|me-too-jay]]
[[(Say nothing.)|me-too-jay]]<</timed>><<timed 5s t8n>>"That's awful, D."<<next 3s>>
"I hope she finds it."<<next 2.5s>>
[['"Me too."'|me-too-jay]]
[[(Say nothing.)|me-too-jay]]<</timed>>\
<<script>>$("#passages").fadeOut(0);<</script>>\
<<timed 5s>><<script>>$("#passages").fadeIn(1000);<</script>><</timed>>\"What did she want?"
[["She wanted to stop these things."]]
[["She wanted to save the world."]]
[["She wanted something I couldn't give."]]<<timed 5s t8n>>"Not much has changed for the better around here since you left."
[['"I know."'|oh-5]]
[['"I\'m sorry."'|oh-5]]<</timed>>\
<<script>>$("#passages").fadeOut(0);<</script>>\
<<timed 5s>><<script>>$("#passages").fadeIn(1000);<</script>><</timed>>\"That's why I was so hard on you earlier. It's not like you had anything to do with it. But I want things to be how they used to be. And they aren't."
A long breath blossoms into the air.
"I don't think they will be again."
[['"No, they won\'t."'|(Listen.)]]
[[(Listen.)]]\
<<script>>breatheIn();<</script>>\<<timed 5s t8n>>"I'm afraid of them."<<next 2.5s>>
A nod of the head, tilting [[toward the creatures in the sky.]]<</timed>>\
<<script>>$("#passages").css("transition","none");$("#passages").css("opacity","0");<</script>>\
<<timed 5s>><<script>>$("#passages").css("transition","opacity 1s ease-in");$("#passages").css("opacity","1");<</script>><</timed>>\"You know how when we were kids, it used to look like they were getting closer?"
[['"Yeah."'|remember-4]]
[['"I remember."'|remember-4]]"They haven't stopped."
[[A shiver runs deep through your bones.]]"Every year, a little closer. No one knows why. And with every inch, they move more stars around. Entire suns, [[flicked out of orbit.]]"<<timed 5s t8n>>"What happens to the planets, D? What happens to the people there?"
[['"I don\'t know."'|listen-final]]
[['"I\'m afraid to ask."'|listen-final]]<</timed>>\
<<script>>$("#passages").fadeOut(0);<</script>>\
<<timed 5s>><<script>>$("#passages").fadeIn(1000);<</script>><</timed>>\<<timed 0s t8n>>"Ah."<<next 3.5s>>
"You ever tell anyone about this?"<<next 2.5s>>
[["One person."]]
[[(Look away.)]]<</timed>><<timed 0s t8n>>"Figures."<<next 3s>>
"I guess we're not special after all."<<next 2.5s>>
[["I know someone who went out there."]]
[[(Look away.)]]<</timed>><<timed 0s t8n>>"Ah."<<next 3.5s>>
"You ever tell anyone about this?"<<next 2.5s>>
[["One person."]]
[[(Look away.)]]<</timed>>"What did they do?"
[['"She\'s trying to stop them."'|"She wanted to stop these things."]]
[['"She\'s trying to save the world."'|"She wanted to stop these things."]]\
<<script>>$("#passages").fadeOut(0);<</script>>\
<<timed 5s>><<script>>$("#passages").fadeIn(1000);<</script>><</timed>>\They turn their head to follow your gaze.
"Are you going to tell me what happened?"
[['"I can\'t."'|cant-2]]
[["I said something I shouldn't have."]]<<timed 5s t8n>>"Okay."<<next 3s>>
[['"Okay."'|me-too-jay]]<</timed>>\
<<script>>$("#passages").fadeOut(0);<</script>>\
<<timed 5s>><<script>>$("#passages").fadeIn(1000);<</script>><</timed>>\<<timed 5s t8n>>"I'm sorry."<<next 2.5s>>
[['"Thanks."'|me-too-jay]]<</timed>>\
<<script>>$("#passages").fadeOut(0);<</script>>\
<<timed 5s>><<script>>$("#passages").fadeIn(1000);<</script>><</timed>>\<<timed 0s t8n>>"Huh."<<next 2.5s>>
"Why?"<<next 2.5s>>
[['"She\'s trying to stop them."'|"She wanted to stop these things."]]
[['"She\'s trying to save the world."'|"She wanted to stop these things."]]<</timed>>\"When it does happen, let's meet here. Back at the edge of town."
A pause.
"I don't want to find out alone."
[['"I promise."'|(Nod.)]]
[['"I can try."'|(Nod.)]]